They say that whatever you acted like as a kid is paid back to you through your own children. I don't know that it is actually true, but children often do end up acting like their parents? Is it because God wants "payback" for all the wrong you've done in your life? No, I really don't think so. I don't think God operates in that way. I think at least part of it is that they are actually imitating what they see going on NOW but do it to a greater degree! (Kids want to do what their parents do but to a greater degree, right? That applies to all areas of life.)
Ugh. I know, right?
"So it's all my fault?" Yes. Well, it is at least partially my fault. I am the one they see day in and day out. What else are they going to act like? Here's a question: would you let your kids watch you on TV? Eww. That's a tough one.
I have one particular child who is very much like me! Very. Much. I am at a point where she wants to do everything I do. I mean, at 4 1/2 years old, isn't she ready to do all that mom does? Clearly, we disagree on this point. I tell her not to boss, not to feed the baby without asking, not to pick up her three year old sister, not to, not to, not to.... And I feel as though I'm about to lose my mind! BUT! But, I know that as my children 4 children grow and as my firstborn daughter, I know that I am going to need her help so much! I can see her being my right arm! Te thing is, she's good as what does. She has a nurturing mothers heart. She loves babies! Her memory, unlike my mommy brain post 4 kiddos, is sharp as a tack. She can remember stuff better than me sometimes! So I know I will need her! And ultimately, I want a good lasting relationship, and eventually friendship, with my daughter.
So my question is: how do I get there without killing OR alienating her? Thoughts anyone?
The first two people I asked this question to immediately responded with "PRAY!" I need to do that more! And I am actively working on that. Buying don't feel that is enough so that leaves me wondering I really think God is big enough to handle my kids? Obviously, there are some things in me that may need to change too! Trust God. For real. I can loosen some of my control issues with my kids and allow them to be helpful and to be a part of things with me. I can find ways to intentionally bless my daughter and spend time with her. (ie.- take her to Ladies meeting with me once a month even though I really want to e alone. I'm told that one day I'll miss the company!).
On a related but bigger note: I am trying to work on not raising my voice at my kids but sound kind instead of harsh to them.
So, feel free to give your perspective on this subject and PLEASE feel free to pray for me. I need all I can get to make it through this parenting 4 kids thing! It's tough! A wild, but great ride!
Friday, January 25, 2013
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Assume Goodwill
I first heard this term at a ladies retreat our church held a few years ago. One of our elder's wives gave a talk on relationships and friendships and how important it is to assume goodwill towards other people. I have found this to be so true and so valuable!
What does it mean to "assume goodwill?" It is choosing to assume the best about people. To assume the best about their intentions and actions, especially as they pertain to you.
In college I lived in a house with a few other girls and we had house parents that were around daily. One night, a roommate and I went out with a group of people and came home late in the night to find the rest of our roommates and our house mom still up waiting for us. Apparently we had hurt their feelings by not inviting them to come along. We then, in the wee hours had a big talk about including people in things you do. That left me with a bit of a bad taste in my mouth as I told myself "What are they thinking? You can't invite everyone to everything! We didn't even plan that outing. We were just invited!" (The mind justifies what the heart has chosen, right?)
To an extent I see that that still holds true. Practically, is it feasible to invite everyone to everything? Well, no. You can't always do that. But could you be more willing to open it up to more people? Maybe. Probably. Could I? Almost without a doubt, yes.
In recent time I have realized that I do not want to be held to that standard. I do not want to be responsible to include more people, when it is appropriate. (Obviously, there has to be certain times when you do thinks with specific people). Anyway, back I what I was saying. I like to be "comfortable" "in my group." Long story short, selfish, self-centered me wants to not have to include more people in things I do with friends, but I never want left out of what they do. How awful is that? Talk about a double-standard.
How does that relate to assuming goodwill? Well, when in a situation where there is the opportunity for me to have my feelings hurt, I can CHOOSE to assume goodwill. And it is a choice. And one I may need to choose multiple times in a situation. I can remind myself that it really is okay if I'm not included in everything that my friends do! It really is ok for them to do things together and not always include me. I can assume goodwill.
I had a friend who tried to work something out with me one time. She apologized for something I hadn't even known about. I told her I forgave her, but I let bad feelings and resentment creep in over time and for about a year, things between us were never right. I finally felt convicted by my attitude and went and worked it out again- from my side this time. Things have been much better since. But what if I had told myself to assume goodwill? If I had chosen that better road, I would not have lost out on a year of that great friendship.
I also see that assuming goodwill applies a lot to how I view they way other people do things or run their families. I see so much of, what I call, "competitive parenting" these days. Where my way, my view, my reasons are the best and only and right way to parent. How brash! How disgusting to think of ourselves so highly! Bottom line, if parents are seeking God (and counsel if needed), then my opinion of how they run their family shouldn't matter in the least. Parent how you want, eat how you want, discipline how you want. (I would say, as long as it is in line with what God says about those things in the Bible.) When I find myself feeling judgmental towards other because I would do things differently in my home, I need to assume goodwill! They are trying there best at this parenting thing too! And everyone needs room to live according to their own convictions and preferences. When I feel that others are judging me because of how we have chosen to run our family/household, I need to assume goodwill! They may see things differently but I shouldn't assume they are thinking negatively towards me!
Jesus was all about relationships and His whole life on earth was literally made and given to bring "Peace on earth and goodwill to men!" All so He could have a relationship with us! Think how much He assumed goodwill towards us in our sin! How much more should I freely and joyfully extend that to others!
What does it mean to "assume goodwill?" It is choosing to assume the best about people. To assume the best about their intentions and actions, especially as they pertain to you.
In college I lived in a house with a few other girls and we had house parents that were around daily. One night, a roommate and I went out with a group of people and came home late in the night to find the rest of our roommates and our house mom still up waiting for us. Apparently we had hurt their feelings by not inviting them to come along. We then, in the wee hours had a big talk about including people in things you do. That left me with a bit of a bad taste in my mouth as I told myself "What are they thinking? You can't invite everyone to everything! We didn't even plan that outing. We were just invited!" (The mind justifies what the heart has chosen, right?)
To an extent I see that that still holds true. Practically, is it feasible to invite everyone to everything? Well, no. You can't always do that. But could you be more willing to open it up to more people? Maybe. Probably. Could I? Almost without a doubt, yes.
In recent time I have realized that I do not want to be held to that standard. I do not want to be responsible to include more people, when it is appropriate. (Obviously, there has to be certain times when you do thinks with specific people). Anyway, back I what I was saying. I like to be "comfortable" "in my group." Long story short, selfish, self-centered me wants to not have to include more people in things I do with friends, but I never want left out of what they do. How awful is that? Talk about a double-standard.
How does that relate to assuming goodwill? Well, when in a situation where there is the opportunity for me to have my feelings hurt, I can CHOOSE to assume goodwill. And it is a choice. And one I may need to choose multiple times in a situation. I can remind myself that it really is okay if I'm not included in everything that my friends do! It really is ok for them to do things together and not always include me. I can assume goodwill.
I had a friend who tried to work something out with me one time. She apologized for something I hadn't even known about. I told her I forgave her, but I let bad feelings and resentment creep in over time and for about a year, things between us were never right. I finally felt convicted by my attitude and went and worked it out again- from my side this time. Things have been much better since. But what if I had told myself to assume goodwill? If I had chosen that better road, I would not have lost out on a year of that great friendship.
I also see that assuming goodwill applies a lot to how I view they way other people do things or run their families. I see so much of, what I call, "competitive parenting" these days. Where my way, my view, my reasons are the best and only and right way to parent. How brash! How disgusting to think of ourselves so highly! Bottom line, if parents are seeking God (and counsel if needed), then my opinion of how they run their family shouldn't matter in the least. Parent how you want, eat how you want, discipline how you want. (I would say, as long as it is in line with what God says about those things in the Bible.) When I find myself feeling judgmental towards other because I would do things differently in my home, I need to assume goodwill! They are trying there best at this parenting thing too! And everyone needs room to live according to their own convictions and preferences. When I feel that others are judging me because of how we have chosen to run our family/household, I need to assume goodwill! They may see things differently but I shouldn't assume they are thinking negatively towards me!
Jesus was all about relationships and His whole life on earth was literally made and given to bring "Peace on earth and goodwill to men!" All so He could have a relationship with us! Think how much He assumed goodwill towards us in our sin! How much more should I freely and joyfully extend that to others!
Monday, January 7, 2013
Saying Goodbye
Why is saying goodbye so hard? Well, in a normal day-to-day situation we don't think much of it. We say bye and walk away assuming we will be able to see a person again next time we want to see them. Most of the time that is true. Sometimes it isn't. When it comes to bigger goodbyes like moving away or watching a family member or friend who is near death, saying goodbye takes on a whole new meaning. It feels so, so... permanent.
Why is that? Why is it harder to say goodbye if we think we won't see someone for a long time or even ever again? It is because we love them that saying goodbye is hard. I could say goodbye to a stranger or acquaintance knowing I'd never see them again and it probably wouldn't be that big of a deal. However, when I say goodbye, especially a "bigger" goodbye, to someone I love it is very difficult.
What is the difference between the two? It is the love. When you choose to love someone you give them something but you keep that thing with you. How does that work, you ask? Well, when you, or I, love someone its like we give them a piece of our heart. But we keep it. It belongs to them because it is the part of our heart that loves them and once you give it it is always their piece but it is always yours because it is your love being given. I guess its maybe like the best way of sharing something. You both get it! Thankfully, our hearts can always grow and expand. There is no limit to how much we can love or how many people we can love!
The hard part comes when you may have to tell someone goodbye. Because once you have given love to someone you can't really take it back. I think some people try to at times, but my theory is that deep down that person always holds that piece of your heart and whether you say goodbye on good terms or bad, there is always still a place in your heart for that person no matter what you say or how you act. The piece may be filled with joy when you think of that person.... Or maybe some other emotion. But I don't think it can ever be completely gone because, like I said, it's your heart and your love but you have given it away and that part now belongs to them forever. You can't kick them out and give that piece to someone else. It doesn't work that way. When you choose to love someone new, your heart expands and makes more pieces to love more people. (Which is so cool when you relate this to the heart of God because just as we can grow more love, his infinite love is more perfect, more able to love more people! This is why He can love each person on earth and desire a relationship with each person! Oh how He loves!)
So, why all the talk on love and goodbyes? Because this week some dear friends of mine are moving most of their family from our town in Kentucky to Nicaragua. Think on that a minute. Nicaragua. An entirely different country!! For how long? Only God knows. Literally. So, it's been a long lead up (because we've known for a year now that this is coming) to several hard, tear-filled, gut-wrenching days of goodbyes. They leave tomorrow. So yes it was a "big" goodbye. Yes, as their son said, part of my heart is now going to Nicaragua. I have no idea when/if I'll see them again on earth. Really though, that is true of every goodbye, whether big or small. We are never given assurance of tomorrow or even the next moment.
So I am left here with grief. But because my friends and I share a love for Jesus Christ I am also left with hope. Hope that I will see them again. Hopefully on earth but if not, then in eternity. Hope that both they and I are going to be able to love more people. Hope that through their lives, God is going to be able to move in the lives and hearts of the people of Nicaragua! Hope that the pain I feel in saying goodbye is worth it because of the joy of knowing and sharing life with these dear friends! (And thankfully because of this today's technology, staying in touch won't be too difficult!)
Today I spent a lot of time pondering the quote "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." For most of the day I wasn't sure i believed it was true. But after collecting all my thoughts here I have realized that yes, choosing to love can be risky... and even painful at times. But it is, oh, so worth it for the joy of sharing love!
Why is that? Why is it harder to say goodbye if we think we won't see someone for a long time or even ever again? It is because we love them that saying goodbye is hard. I could say goodbye to a stranger or acquaintance knowing I'd never see them again and it probably wouldn't be that big of a deal. However, when I say goodbye, especially a "bigger" goodbye, to someone I love it is very difficult.
What is the difference between the two? It is the love. When you choose to love someone you give them something but you keep that thing with you. How does that work, you ask? Well, when you, or I, love someone its like we give them a piece of our heart. But we keep it. It belongs to them because it is the part of our heart that loves them and once you give it it is always their piece but it is always yours because it is your love being given. I guess its maybe like the best way of sharing something. You both get it! Thankfully, our hearts can always grow and expand. There is no limit to how much we can love or how many people we can love!
The hard part comes when you may have to tell someone goodbye. Because once you have given love to someone you can't really take it back. I think some people try to at times, but my theory is that deep down that person always holds that piece of your heart and whether you say goodbye on good terms or bad, there is always still a place in your heart for that person no matter what you say or how you act. The piece may be filled with joy when you think of that person.... Or maybe some other emotion. But I don't think it can ever be completely gone because, like I said, it's your heart and your love but you have given it away and that part now belongs to them forever. You can't kick them out and give that piece to someone else. It doesn't work that way. When you choose to love someone new, your heart expands and makes more pieces to love more people. (Which is so cool when you relate this to the heart of God because just as we can grow more love, his infinite love is more perfect, more able to love more people! This is why He can love each person on earth and desire a relationship with each person! Oh how He loves!)
So, why all the talk on love and goodbyes? Because this week some dear friends of mine are moving most of their family from our town in Kentucky to Nicaragua. Think on that a minute. Nicaragua. An entirely different country!! For how long? Only God knows. Literally. So, it's been a long lead up (because we've known for a year now that this is coming) to several hard, tear-filled, gut-wrenching days of goodbyes. They leave tomorrow. So yes it was a "big" goodbye. Yes, as their son said, part of my heart is now going to Nicaragua. I have no idea when/if I'll see them again on earth. Really though, that is true of every goodbye, whether big or small. We are never given assurance of tomorrow or even the next moment.
So I am left here with grief. But because my friends and I share a love for Jesus Christ I am also left with hope. Hope that I will see them again. Hopefully on earth but if not, then in eternity. Hope that both they and I are going to be able to love more people. Hope that through their lives, God is going to be able to move in the lives and hearts of the people of Nicaragua! Hope that the pain I feel in saying goodbye is worth it because of the joy of knowing and sharing life with these dear friends! (And thankfully because of this today's technology, staying in touch won't be too difficult!)
Today I spent a lot of time pondering the quote "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." For most of the day I wasn't sure i believed it was true. But after collecting all my thoughts here I have realized that yes, choosing to love can be risky... and even painful at times. But it is, oh, so worth it for the joy of sharing love!
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
2013: Looking at What Does (or doesn't) Lie Ahead
(So, I've sucked at this blog thing, but I want to get better. Gonna try for once a week this year.)
LESS:
A few years ago, around New Years, I heard some radio DJ’stalking about the new year ahead and asking listeners to call in with one wordthat the caller was going to focus on for that year. I listened to a few callsand thought “Boy, is that ever cheesy!” Fast forward a year or two and around NewYears I felt God calling me to do just that focus on one word for the year. Forthat year my word was “Different.” At the end of that year, when I looked back,I wanted things in my life to look differentthan it did at the beginning of the year. I can’t tell you everything that happened thatyear, but one major thing was that I ran a 5k that year. I had never done thisbefore. I had no intent on doing it at the beginning of the year. And I did notdo run the race perfectly. I was slow. Very. Slow. And I walked some of it. Alot of it, actually. BUT, I crossed the finish line! And that was different forme. I was/am not a runner.
LESS:
A few years ago, around New Years, I heard some radio DJ’stalking about the new year ahead and asking listeners to call in with one wordthat the caller was going to focus on for that year. I listened to a few callsand thought “Boy, is that ever cheesy!” Fast forward a year or two and around NewYears I felt God calling me to do just that focus on one word for the year. Forthat year my word was “Different.” At the end of that year, when I looked back,I wanted things in my life to look differentthan it did at the beginning of the year. I can’t tell you everything that happened thatyear, but one major thing was that I ran a 5k that year. I had never done thisbefore. I had no intent on doing it at the beginning of the year. And I did notdo run the race perfectly. I was slow. Very. Slow. And I walked some of it. Alot of it, actually. BUT, I crossed the finish line! And that was different forme. I was/am not a runner.
Now it is 2013 and yesterday I spent a few minutes thinking andpraying about this year. What do I want this year to look like? What does Godwant this year to look like? Almost immediately the one word thing came tomind. I thought “If I did that this year, what would my word be?” Just assuddenly, the word “LESS” came to mind. Fun, huh? So I spent a few minutes contemplatingwhat that might mean for me.
What does "less" literally mean? According to the dictionary it is: A smaller amount of; not as much; Of lower rank or importance; To a smaller extent; not so much; Minus; An inferior.
I do believe that “LESS” is a word God has given me, or rathercalled me to, this year. But as I contemplated less of certain things, Iquickly saw that less of one thing would likely bring more of something else.More of something that was better, more important, more eternal.
Less of what? Here’s a few things that came to mind:
1. Food: I need to lose weight. A lot. So eatingless would help with that right and require me practicing more self control.(PS – I’m going to reread a book “Made to Crave” by Lysa Terkeurst. It has alot of godly things to say about this topic).
2. Facebook/Internet/Phone time: Ability to doother things like read, etc. I would be more available to my children. I would beless consumed by my “unreal world” and more in the now.
3. Me: I am selfish. Less of me would mean moreability to love God more and others more – like those pesky neighbor kids. Theyneed Jesus. JUST LIKE I DO. My dislike of them being around shows just howbadly I need Jesus to intervene in my life and my heart. This would also makeit easier for me to be willing to open our home to those Daniel wants to reachout to. Not just those who are my idea.
4. Laziness: Not getting up before the kids byusing an alarm has me flustered because I have no time to myself in themornings. If I set an alarm and got up earlier than the kids – 7:00am, than Iwould have more time to have quiet time with God=More relationship! More timein the Word, more time to pray, some time to just sit and listen for Him tospeak. It would also allow for me to exercise in the mornings and maybe get ashower. Woah! Lofty goals, huh? Baby steps.
5. Clutter: That can only help my house staycleaner right? Let’s hope so. As GKChesterton said “There are two ways to get enough. On is to continue toaccumulate more and more. The other is to desire less.”
6. Chaos: Do I need a regular schedule? Maybe. I’llbe thinking on this. I get overwhelmed by the rigidness of a regulardaily/weekly schedule. My free spirit does not like the idea of this, but itsure would help things get done.
7. Christmas: I’ve been reading a lot on a blog(thenatos.com) about her quest to simplify their Christmas this past year andfocusing on instilling gratefulness in their family members. I easily get intothe mode of wanting to get my kids lots of stuff to make them happy, because Iknow they’d love this… and this…. And this….! But I want less of that greedystuff-infested attitude in me and more of the focus to be on Jesus and what abeautiful amazing miracle He did for us just by being born as a baby.
I’m going to stop there for now. If I continue I am going tobe so overwhelmed that I’ll give up before getting started.
Here are a few verses that I found in the bible when I searched for the word "less."
For now, you can pray for me as I begin my journey of “LESS”.Feel free to ask me how it’s going and call me on things you see going on in my life that don’t match up to this calling. I don’t know exactly what I think this will look like at the end of the year. And I’m ok with that. Mostly, at the end of the year, I just want to see evidence of positive change in my life. Forward motion. Towards a greater degree of Him and less of me.
Deut. 6:5: Love the Lord your God with all your heart andwith all your soul and with all your might.
Is. 41:24: Behold you are nothing . And your work is lessthan nothing; an abomination is he who chooses you.
2 Cor. 12:15: I will most gladly spend and be spent for yousouls. If I love you more, am I to be loved less?
2 Chron. 6:18: But will God indeed dwell with man on theearth? Behold, heaven and the highest heaven cannot contain you, how much lessthis house that I have built!
For now, you can pray for me as I begin my journey of “LESS”.Feel free to ask me how it’s going and call me on things you see going on in my life that don’t match up to this calling. I don’t know exactly what I think this will look like at the end of the year. And I’m ok with that. Mostly, at the end of the year, I just want to see evidence of positive change in my life. Forward motion. Towards a greater degree of Him and less of me.
Oh, and as Daniel said – “Hopefully that doesn’t mean I’m going to lose my job this year.” Hehe!
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